Basically, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t find a job in women’s ministry when it seemed so clear at one time that it was God’s will. I mean, didn’t God owe me a job? I went to seminary for Him. Well, I let Him have it that morning. I thought, “Why should I bother going to church this morning? I’m tired of trying my best to do Your will when You just keep dropping the ball with me.” Despite my inner turmoil, I felt compelled to get in the car and go to church anyway.
As I pulled out of the driveway, I was still fuming at Him. That is when I saw them—morning glories blooming in the tangle of vines growing beside my driveway. I nearly drove off into the ditch. It is a good thing not many people are out driving in my neighborhood on Sunday mornings, because I don’t think I was driving very safely as I pulled out onto my street. I was so blinded by tears it was really hard to see.
I guess you’re probably wondering why morning glories could elicit such an emotional response. (My husband is used to my drastic mood shifts and even he was looking at me with incredulity.) Well, you’d have to know the history of God and me when it comes to flowers. I prefer flowers that occur naturally (not planted by humans). What people often think of as weeds, I prefer. Morning glories happen to be my second favorite flower (wisteria being my first). I notice flowers where most people don’t. I remember talking to my roommate Jen about all the flowers blooming around the neighborhood. She didn’t know what I was talking about. But to me, they were everywhere. There were wildflowers on the lawn outside our apartment and there was wisteria growing on the fence. It always took my breath away every time I saw it. Flowers are no respecter of neighborhoods. At that time in college, we lived in the ghetto. But wildflowers flourish everywhere & I always took note.
I had not seen the morning glories before because they only open up in the morning. I’m not a morning person so I hadn’t noticed them before when I left for work. I know God arranged it so that I would notice them for the first time that morning. And I knew they were from God. It was as clear as if He had spoken audibly. He does care about me. He will be faithful. He brought me flowers. And He knows my favorites. He knows me and hasn’t forgotten about me like I thought. God has spoken to me often through the language of flowers. I love how morning glories look like trumpets. They make me think of the trumpet that will herald Christ’s return for us.
God didn’t give me an answer that day as to what His will was. All He did was give me flowers and that was enough for me to trust Him again. It was about a year later that I finally understood why I never found that job in women’s ministry. I read “Pagan Christianity” by Frank Viola (see my other posts on that). After reading that book I went through a major paradigm shift. Now I wouldn’t accept a women’s ministry position if it was offered to me. I no longer believe in accepting a paid position in the church. I’m part of a house church in which everyone participates weekly and no minister is paid to do the work all believers are truly responsible for doing themselves. The irony of it all is this. The last week that Dwight & I attended our traditional church, a friend in the church who knew I was waiting for a women’s ministry position told me she knew the church was actually looking for one now. I had already heard that. I thanked her but told her of my change of heart. There was absolutely no doubt in my mind that I was ready to put that all behind me. I had a peace in my heart that I shouldn’t submit my resume. I have never regretted it. I knew that God purposely did not open that door until He knew I wouldn’t choose to walk through it.
What I know about myself is this: when I wanted to do women’s ministry it was about me and my ministry. There were way too many personal pronouns involved. Now I know that we are all ministers of the gospel. I’m not special because of me. I’m special only because of Him. He must increase and I must decrease. He will do the ministering when I am broken enough to get out of His way. He derailed my plan and broke my will that day with something as simple as morning glories.
1 comment:
I have renewed my friendship with my first cousin once removed = she's 2 years younger and actually my Mother's 1st cousin. ( Thank you FB )
Vicki grew up with an alcoholic Father and schizophrenic Mother
( my great aunt) She is the 2nd of 6 children. Her Mother suffered from post postpartum psychosis after the 3rd child.....but she thought God wanted her to have more children and did not have the ability to realize God put us in control of how many children we should produce.
Vicki had nothing. They took sponge baths, had only 2/4's on the walls with 7' ceilings....and a Mother that had the windows covered so the devil wouldn't get them. Her Father cooked dinner at night when he got home from the tavern. Dinner was usually milk gravy and biscuits. The children generally were farmed out for periods of time while her Mother was hospitalized. Relatives bought Vicki her underwear, sanitary napkins and deodorant. Her Junior and Senior year of high school was spent living and caring for my Great Grandmother Smith (her Grandmother) which included emptying the bedpan in the morning. Vicki says she feels blessed to have had a place to shower, and eat, while taking care of Grandma.
The point of this response is we went to our family homestead in Silver Falls, past Silverton and we were amazed at the beauty of the trees, leaves and the last remnants of wild flowers. We both agreed how could anyone deny the existence of God with all that beauty. I feel honored to have someone back in my life that is not defined by the abject poverty, cruelty ( ex ) and career disappointments. When we can focus and see the beauty of God's world around us we cannot deny the existence of Him knowing what we need.....not what we want.
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